Golden Sun - Character Chronoicles

[MaxiPower]

Erm just started writing a fan fic which im very proud off, my English may not be the best haha but its the story im trying to get across moreso than my great English hehe so if there are mistakes in my writing sorry.

Anyway before i post it i want you to get an idea of what im doing, im gonna do a story with every character, however all 8 character Chronicles will be huge in terms of story content and will intertwine with each other at points. in each persons story they may meet up with a fellow comrade, get separated from them but the final outcome in all the stories will only be the true starting point for the next adventure.

Im also going to have pictures to try and help with the story to help illustrate were the characters are.

Golden Sun 3 - Character Chronicles
Prologue:

After the heroes of Weyard had returned to Vale to bear witness to the destruction of Mount Aleph and the village itself, most of the crew stayed with the villagers rebuilding and trying to save what little was spared from the heart of alchemy

[Charon]

Wut. Atrius is the baddie. I always thought I made a better bad guy - he was always very quiet and to himself... wait a second...   most of the evilest villains start off that way =O

Anyways, besides the spelling, grammar and puntual errors, it seems very interesting. The only real thing annoying me about it is the dialogue - whenever you have another speaker, there should have another paragraph involved. For example:
"I like pie, Joe. Wanna go get some?" Jane asked.
"No, because I am playing with the GS:TLA editor" Joe responded in a brash manner.
"Joe, you suck."
"I do not suck, Jane."
"YES YOU DO."
Also note how each quotation does not end in "she/he/it said"; after you've determined who the speakers are, it gets redundant. The reader can determine for themselves who's saying what.

Also, if you have text after a quotation, make sure that if it would normally end in a period, it should end in a question mark, such as:
"Jane said I suck," Joe remarked.

However, if it uses an exclamation or question mark, it should keep those marks there, such as:
"Jane said I suck!" Joe remarked.
"Jane said I suck?" Joe remarked.

But plotwise, it seems like a very good idea. Keep up the good work.

[MaxiPower]

thanks Charon, i shall heed your suggestions and revamp the first two chapters in time, not to spoil anything, but Atrius intentions are not evil but rather hes seeking redemption for intruding in mankinds works.

Hes now a mere human because of his actions, however the form he has taken is what he was before he became "The Wise One"

[twocows]

Very interesting; it's great so far.

Charon covered some of the grammar stuff, but I'd like to give you some advice on ellipses. People overuse these far too often; the only time you should use ellipses is if you're omitting something. Take, for example, the first line of the Gettysburg Address: "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." You could paraphrase as such: "[...] our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation [...] dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."

Now for my thoughts on the story itself. I'm going to speculate here and say that Atrius / the Wise One is secretly Alex's father as well. Also, he has a beard. A splendid beard that all the world will envy. And while I suspect Atrius probably meant that he injured or killed Felix, the ambiguity there leaves even more room for glorious speculation. Perhaps he gave Felix a fresh set of clothes? Or, better yet, he gave him his own glorious beard, the likes of which have never been seen by man?

Silliness aside, I'm sincerely interested to see where you go with this. For the record, the irony of Atrius discussing peoples' choices as he completely strips Piers (and presumably Felix, as well) of the right to make his own decisions doesn't escape me.

Also, while this isn't *directly* related, I never got how the Wise One could claim to be not interfering with the actions of man. He teleports Isaac and Garet out of Sol Sanctum, throws two sets of hydra-dragons at Felix's party, knocks down Alex so he can't escape from Mt. Aelph, and now knocks Piers out and (possibly) kills Felix. Seems like an awful lot of interference to me. Sure, he tries to explain away the dragons as "miracles," but he was behind that. If I set off a fuse and it blows up some dynamite, I can't claim the explosion was a "miracle;" I directly caused that action to happen by lighting the fuse. Maybe he's not as infallible as he seems to let on.

EDIT: didn't see your last post. So in this, the solution is that the Wise One actually *did* interfere with humans, and he realizes it, then? Hm... I wonder what sort of situations this will create. Fallen deities don't tend to be very nice, that's for sure.

[MaxiPower]

Thanks TwoCows  I will also heed your word in future writing, it must be noted however i failed my English test GCSEs, twice haha so hehe.

Erm this chapter has more dialog, maybe a bit more than i would have hoped but i shall try it to see what you think. Like i said before its the story i am trying to get across more. I have began writing a few fan fics over the years but i could never finish them because my wording was awful even if the story itself was good. anyway on with the next chapter

Chapter 1.3