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Anyone wanna read this and provide feedback

Started by MaxiPower, 12, March, 2013, 12:33:48 PM

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MaxiPower

Conceptual Art for Series.


Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"That's far enough." Declared a figure atop an old granite watchtower. He spat in disgust, though it was carried afar by the high winds. "You're a long way from home stranger. I didn't know mongrels could wander so astray yet you have found yourself atop our Silver Mountain." He reached for his quiver. "You're brave, I'll give you that. But your senses are severely lacking."
          The outsider removed his bronzed Helm and Camail and could now feel the piercing gaze of a half dozen zealous archers looming overhead. He watched... assessing the situation as the traditional crimson and gold attire of the Snow Elves blew recklessly to the will of the mistral storm. He responded tenderly. "Please... hear me out, I'm but a messenger." The man's voice was weak as he motioned the guard's attention to his quivering hand; his fingers resembled frosted stalagmites as he reached within his quilted gambeson and pulled a parchment from his waist.
          "This message... It spawns from the dribble of that tyrant Savil?"
          "It... It is the Kings words, yes." He stammered.
          "King...?" The guard amusedly retorted. "Atholian dog, that banner isn't recognised here. Throw it to me and I will decide whether if it deems worthy to wipe my @#$ with."
          "It's for the Maester, Darnell Tassinari, not his doormat. I cannot stress the importance of this document."
          "I care not for the writings of a perverse and twisted fascist, nor does our Maester." The guard snapped impatiently. "The Snow Elves salutations extend no further." He urged him on, motioning back from whence he came, against the setting sun.
          "Fine," the man responded as he reluctantly threw the concealed letter to the guard. "Do not pass judgement on his motives quite yet. You will be surprised by its offering."
          The guard caught the cylinder, removed and unravelled the scroll before quickly he glanced his eye over the letter. He noted several insignias. Most smudged from wear and dampness, but he could still make them out. "Is... Is this a....?" he struggled for words.
          "A treaty, for peace? Yes."
          "And the men of Kona have agreed to this!?" taken back, the guard responded. His voice now reaching a new altitude.
          "The mark of the White Wolf is there, is it not?" the man assured.
          "And these are the terms, that, "This King" has put forward?! The immediate withdrawal from all parties?"
          "This fruitless war need not drag on any longer." The man replied.
          "No!" The Guard exclaimed in fury. "So we are to just forgive and forget? No... It won't end this way! Not when Savil still breaths!"
          "The insignia of Leuven's flame is the last needed to declare peace throughout the region!" the outsider retorted, Now matching the elf for tone. "Do not allow year old grudges to taint the prospect of peace and tranquillity." 
          The gatekeeper, overwhelmed by his comment took a moment to react. His grip fastened around his bow and his clenched jaw on his narrow face bulged. He turned to one of his kinsmen, a younger elf and put his hand on his shoulder, his hands caressing the boy's medium scruffy white hair. "This promise of peace Malek... Would it fill the void of emptiness in your heart? Will it bring your dead mother back from beyond the grave? What about your brother. Or the countless friends you have seen taken before their time? Can you forgive these people that have condemned your race? Will your future wife sacrifice herself to grant you a child. With our healing spring gone, could you listen to her cry in pain, helplessly looking on as the life departs her still young abled body."
          The boy gave no answer...
          "I didn't think so my child, neither can I. Here, deliver it to the Maester at once." He said gritting his teeth as he handed  the letter over.
The boy nodded and nimbly sprung towards the ladder. Sliding down, he darted towards the gate of the down and disappeared up the cobbled street.
          "Is that your boy?" The man quizzed. "He will grow up in a different world than ours. It is a shame what has become of the Snow Elves. I am a father myself."
          The guard turned back to the outsider. "What's your name stranger?" he asked, his voice now lowering an octave.
          "Javier, and you?"
          The guard slowly approached the ladder. "Baruk," He shouted as he descended the tower. "You know, The Snow Elves like to tell stories, reminiscent on the good times and all that. It makes for good banter. They will sing songs about this day Javier, warrior of Athol. Ballads will be written and this moment told to the next generation of Leuven as lullabies."
          Javier, confused, smiled and nodded in agreement.
          "For you will die this day, Javier!" Baruk announced as he got ever closer. "This peace and tranquillity you speak of. It was tarnished from the moment your men violated our sacred grounds and thus, the future of our race you have put in doubt.
          Javier retracted slowly, his feet crunching in the snow. "This... this will have consequences. You don't want this." he said, fumbling back, tripping and falling on his back. "Do you wish to see your child join his brother? We have a chance to end this madness. Show some mercy, I implore you" he cried.
          "Let him be Baruk!" came a commanding voice. The guard now standing over the outsider turned to see the Maester looking on. His garments replicated his kinsmen, only the crimson swapping out for black which distinguished his authority. "You say you need the mark of our city. The symbol of Leuven's flame?"
          "Yes." the man replied mercifully.
          "It will be marked with my flame al-right." The Maester exclaimed furiously. He held out the scroll and tightened his fist around it. A flame radiated from his hand that torched the scroll to a cinder. "That is the response of the Tassinari bloodline. Let him go."
          "What you mean let him go?" Baruk questioned.
          "His death will change nothing. You know that. It would be but a fleeting smoothness of your conscious. Not long enough to make you forget."
          "Bah!" Baruk barked in frustration! Get out of here!" He kicked snow over the man who quickly got to his feet and scurried off.
          "Come Baruk. Walk with me."
          The pair walked through the gate of the city and where greeted by a large gathering that had heard of the commotion,
          "Is everything alright Maester." A lady asked.
          "Everything is fine Miss Galati." Darnell assured her smiling as he passed her.
          "What is this I am hearing about a treaty? Is it true?" She continued. "Is my boy coming home?"
          "I'm sorry Claudia; I could not accept such an offer."
          "I understand Maester..." The woman smiled. "Andris, he wouldn't have it any other way. You know what he's like."
          "He is remarkable that boy of yours." A blessing to this city. Despite what he is thinking, he has nothing to prove to Leuven. He is an Elf, a brother, and we are proud to call him as such.
          "Such kind words Darnell help me to sleep at night, thank you."
          "Just make sure he attends his lessons when he returns." The Maester said with a smile. "Dalzell is worried about his lack of progress in wielding the element."
          "Oh I will," she smiled.
The pair continued towards a large building, its carved stone design as elegant as even some of nature's wonders. "This is an outrage! Baruk barked as he let out the rage he was withholding, slamming open the wooden doors of the great hall. "How could they sell us out? All of them!"
          The Maester followed him into the wide-open chamber. "Kona was atop the list, He responded. "Ragner was first to put ink to paper. Without his army, any endeavour of war is in vain. The other settlements are but a blip in this conflict. Caught up in this dried up crusade. They're helpless without Kona. They had no choice."
          "They have no honour!" Baruk snapped, taking a seat on an aging bench.
          Darnell lifted cups from a side table and placed them before Baruk. "Maybe so... But this falls on Ragner." He poured ale from a jug before too, taking a seat.
          "What is he thinking? Does he have a plan we yet know off?"         
          "But why now?" Baruk asked, answering with a question. "Athol was losing the war. It was but a matter of time. Savil knew it. This treaty put forward, is to safe but his own hind. Surely Ragner must know this!"
          "Ragner is no fool. He is a great king, but this. This is unlike him. Savil cannot be trusted nor should be allowed to live. Not after what he's done. The chaos in Lucere, it is his doing. He should pay for his war crimes.
          "Not even his head on a platter can atone for what he has done. What will happen now?" asked Baruk.
          "We comply for now." Darnell replied. "
          "We what...?!" Baruk bellowed jumping to his feet in disagreement. Forgetting to swallow as he gagged on his ale as it spurted, running over and down his pale face.
          "I need you to ride for the garrison and inform the men."
          "You're having them withdraw? You can't be serious Darnell. What happened to sending them a message?"
          "Listen. We are not retreating. You are to take command from Dalzell who will return to overtake my duties. Instruct the men to halt their activity. They are to stay grounded and wait for further orders. We have all suffered a loss at the expense of this campaign. The curse Savil bestowed upon our women will never be forgotten nor brushed under the carpet. Even if I asked them to withdraw, who would listen? They are out for blood, especially the colossal that is Andris. You heard his mother. He may be young, but could you hold him back? Could anyone? He may owe his immense physique to the Atholian that raped his mother. But he is desperate to return the favour.
          "Then why stop fighting?" he said, sinking back on the bench.
          "I do not like it anymore than you. But we cannot do this on our own. It would be futile to continue. We would be throwing away our lives. I cannot as Maester condone that. We are not to become simply martyrs. Just do as I say."
          "What do you intend to do?"
          "I will travel to Kona and speak with Ragner. I'll have him explain his reasons. We might be jumping to conclusions. I would rather hear it from the wolf's mouth before taking any drastic action. Perhaps he knows something we don't; he's got to have a reason. Like I said this is unlike him. It's not in his character at all."
         "Let's hope this wolf is still the man you think he is, and not but a devious fox. Just because we have fought under a unified banner 'til now, doesn't mean we always will. Who's to say Savil hasn't warped his mind.
          "You haven't met the man, have you?" Darnell said with assurance.
          "No. But he is a man, and men quite often change."
          "Men change yes, and I even have heard speak of an animal that changes its appearance to conceal themselves when in danger. But for a wolf to malform into a fox. Never." The Maester laughed.
          "Very well Maester, I will leave at first light. I've been itching to get back to the front lines anyway. I'll take Malek along with me. He is rearing to get some real experience."
          "Dalzell's the opposite. He would rather be stuck in books than wield a weapon. He will be happy to get home."
          "He will make a great Maester one day I'm sure."
          Darnell nodded in agreement. "Right, if you'll excuse me, I'll go prepare. We are headed the same direction 'til we reach Alpine. We may as well travel together."
         "That's fine, I'll do the same," Baruk confirmed.

Kioll

Not bad.  I noticed two small errors; "No! The Guard exclaimed in fury. "It won't end this way!" should have another quotation mark after the exclamation mark.  And you said "this fruitless war need drag on any longer" instead of "need not drag on any longer".  Other than that, it's solid.  It paints a world of its own from the get-go, however there are a few things that confuse the reader.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, but you will need to explain them as the story continues.  Overall, I give it 7 out of 10 for creativity and solidarity, but being a bit too short for my taste.
I am the almighty emissary of fire...  the Mars Adept Kioll.  Oh, and did I mention that I'll see you long before you see me?

MaxiPower

#2
Quote from: Kioll on 12, March, 2013, 03:44:55 PM
Not bad.  I noticed two small errors; "No! The Guard exclaimed in fury. "It won't end this way!" should have another quotation mark after the exclamation mark.  And you said "this fruitless war need drag on any longer" instead of "need not drag on any longer".  Other than that, it's solid.  It paints a world of its own from the get-go, however there are a few things that confuse the reader.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, but you will need to explain them as the story continues.  Overall, I give it 7 out of 10 for creativity and solidarity, but being a bit too short for my taste.

Thanks Kioll

Have implemented your fixes and concerning your query about length, i have extended it rather than ending the chapter there, I merged the next one... Just glad I'm on the right track. :)

EDIT: Updated with extension.