Prohibition

[Charon]

It's really a crazy idea for a fanfic in the future of Weyard where Ivan becomes a bootlegger of pure water, due to the fact that Alex rules the world by contaminating all of the water supply with a "mind controlling chemical" he produces using Alchemy. This is something I just whipped together for a first chapter, it will definately go through my proofreading machine of doom.

EDIT: Look below for the story - I rewrote it.

[twocows]

I like the idea (Ivan as a mobster is brilliant) and it looks like you can easily pull it off. I have a few criticisms, but I don't know if you want to hear them, so I'll keep them to myself for now.

[Charon]

Well, it's going to go through the proofreading machine of doom anyhow, so it might be a good idea to get some (constructive) critisism in there.

Also, I wrote it in like 20 minutes, so I might have repeated myself a few times XD

[twocows]

Eh, I'm very picky about details, so you probably won't get anything major out of me. What you said about repeating yourself, that was kind of my first criticism. You overuse the f-bomb in places where you could use other colorful explicatives instead. I'm all for keeping with the tone, and using that kind of language fits well; just vary the spoken dialogue a little. On the other hand, I liked the descriptions of the characters a lot (the description of the bartender was great).

My second one is... I forgot. Must be the weather. I seem to remember it being the most important, too, so I'll edit it in later if I remember.

My last one is just nit-picking, really, so take it or leave it. There were a few minor things that I didn't quite get. The first thing was about why people resistant to the tainted water would need pure water for themselves. I know Ivan doesn't care; he's just in it for the money, but are the others really using it for themselves, or are they distributing it to the public in hopes of starting a resistance or something? After that, I found the pistol a bit out of place. It fits with the 1920s feel, but AFAIK, pistols don't exist in Weyard; though I suppose they could have been invented in the time since Alex gained power.

Also, if you do choose to continue the story, I think it'd be cool to see cameos of other characters, even if you choose not to have them play an important role. It'd be an interesting twist if Simon turned out to be one of Ivan's old friends who went through a name change.

[Matrim]

So not what i was expecting but i do like it. Will the other adepts be making an appearance? If you do continue this, I can't wait until Ivan uses some psyenergy.  *shine plasma!!!!* muhahahahahahaha

[Charon]

Anyways, rewrote it. Here it is:

The smog that covered what was once the city of Kalay had sunk to a lower level than usual today. Although it could not affect my already blind eyes, the potent chemicals from the industrial metropolis devastated my already weak lungs.
The way that life had changed for me so quickly was startling only five years before, I was a common servant, serving my life and soul for my master. Now after his horrific death, I was now thrown into this dystopia to survive on the streets.

Alchemy was released upon our world at that time. With it, a great power unleashed into my body, along with my comrades who have helped me light the beacons of the elemental lighthouses. It flooded my senses and destroyed my ability to see, but with it came an extreme advancement with my ability to use clairvoyance and my olfactory sense, causing me to view the world from a completely different light. The world before me came to my mind as a flowing river of information; as I passed by objects, I sensed the depressions they made due to their texture and thus was able to form a somewhat black-and-white picture of the world that surrounds me. Combined with the scent of the individuals I came in contact with, I was able to appear as a regular among the streets of Weyard.

Finding the rusted old sign embossed with "Kalay Weaponry", I quickly slipped into the alleyway and uncovered the door to my business. Entering the old seemingly abandoned building, I started for the narrow hallway before me.

I walked down it, with every step I take the boards creaked underneath, as those ahead of me prepared to follow as their brothers before them. The damn boards were known for complaining, and it seemed they almost loved annoying me to the point of me losing my sanity. Hidden below the creaking boards was a brewery, in which a special tonic was produced for my customers.

Their lives mean nothing to me. I only serve them for business.

This special tonic was something that the world has seen overflowing with only five years earlier. Those who could remember before the water was tainted, such as myself, knew that we wouldn

[twocows]

Even better than the first iteration. I can't think of anything to criticize, so very good job.

[Aile~♥]

I think that the reason Ivan never uses Psynergy in it is because he has to use Reveal to even see! That's 1 PP every few steps, so after a bit of that, couple with some PP for reading the future, he wouldn't have enough for Shine Plasma or Destruct Ray!